rest.

So I guess I'll start this post off with what I left out in the last one. Starting during chapel at Mount Washington, we began to give each other names. These names were things that we saw in each other already but also things we wanted to see people grow into.

I wasn't named up at Mount Washington, but rather back here at camp. It was really weird because it was the day that I didn't want to be named and in my mind, I was pleading with the Lord to not be named. But then I asked that if I was to be named, that God would prepare my heart for disappointment, because that is what I had come to expect from chapels in where the focus would turn to me for a period of time. But the Lord had different ideas then mine and I was the first one to be mentioned for naming that day.

It was a hard thing to hear. What I heard was simply what I needed to do better, without hearing any acknowledgement of what I had already done. I think this was simply my hurt from before and being deaf to a lot of encouragement. I thought that the way I was named was so different from everyone else, but I was told by friends after that it wasn't different and there was encouragement said. I think that it is an issue that this group has, encouraging each other, and I spoke up in that time. I told them that I wasn't feeling encouraged and that they needed to step up in encouraging each other.

But my name is Rest. Jim suggested this name for me not because I need rest (though I don't have the best sleeping habits) but because I need to find my rest in the Lord. I have started to look to Him for my identity and to rest in the fact that I am the one He loves, but I need to spend time just resting in His presence. It is so true. I need to rest in God. So badly. The Lord has been telling me this for a while. I need to spend more time in the Word. I need to not worry, but to rest in the goodness of God. I need so many things pertaining to this name.

Being named is something that I have looked forward to for so long, and I know my name is good, but I still struggle. I look at that name and I still feel the hurt I felt while being named. In my hurt and pain that day, I've forgotten many of the reasons I was named Rest. And I asked in chapel for the Kaleos to remind me why they named me Rest and Jim told them to come to me to tell me. I didn't have one person come find me to tell why I am named Rest. This is something I expected which is not a good thing. Why should I expect this from this group? I just don't get it. I should expect to be uplifted and for people to see past themselves, but I just don't.

This year has been full of expectations being tossed though. Most everything I thought would go a certain way this year has not. God has taken those expectations and tossed them. But He has replaced them with something different. Not necessarily things that I would want to change them with, but things that are better for me in the long run. Things that are ultimately good.

I am currently sitting on my bed and thinking over the past couple of weeks. I feel like I have packed months worth of changes into two weeks here at Kaleo. That has been most of the year. I can't believe the amount of change that occurs here!

Last week was Intro to Theology and to be honest, it wasn't as great as I was expecting it to be. If anything, I came out of the class with a struggle thinking that I need to have a formed view on certain issues and that one is the right side and one is the wrong side. I was simply left wanting to just love Jesus and not have to think about the rest. I still don't know exactly what I believe about those issues. I don't think I will for a while, if I ever do make a decision. But I know that God is good and that He is sovereign and that what He does is done right and done justly.

Right now, part of me is rejoicing at the way I have been able to have conversations with people here and just be a source of comfort, but part of me is sad and hurting. This week, one of our interns, Tyler, shared his testimony with us and I cried as he told of the Lord's faithfulness in his life. But the thing that got me the most was the way Tyler was willing to give everything over to the Lord, to the point of giving up his desires for this year and following what the Lord had for him. I wanted to do that so so badly, and so that day, Thursday, I told God I wanted to give Him everything. And on Saturday, God gave me the chance to put action behind my words and surrender something to Him that is dear to me.

This is not easy for me. I like to have control. I like to know what's going on all the time, I like to ask questions, and I like to have plans. But the Lord asked me to give it to Him, not knowing what He will do with it. That scares me. I would love to keep it, but the Lord may say that it is not right. I know in my head that if that is what the Lord says then it is what I should do because He knows way better than me, but my desire is to just continue on as is. I know that if the Lord returns what I've given to Him it will be better than before, or He will replace it with something better, but it is just hard. And it hurts. But He is good. And He has affirmed to me in a few ways that this is right for this time. One of my roommates, Jordana, gave me this verse:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
~1 Peter 5:6-7

And I found this verse when I was looking at the worry part of the Sermon on the Mount:

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
~Matthew 6:33

And then in church this Sunday, we sang the (OLD) song Trust and Obey and this verse and the chorus really spoke to me:

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey,
For there's no other way,
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

So I'm trying to do that. I am trying to trust and obey.

Please pray that I can do this. Please pray for me to know the Lord's goodness and sovereignty in my heart and to be joyful in and intentional with what He has given me here at Kaleo.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Amen and amen.