i wonder if i can do a post in twenty minutes that sums up how i'm feeling...

This afternoon and evening were great. I loved today.

I feel like I learned so much that I don't know if I took it all in to the fullest extent. But maybe that's because I wasn't meant to retain it. Maybe it's not right for this time. But I got glimpses of so much I can learn today.

I got to hang out with such a cool couple today named Jay and Michelle. Honestly, both of them impacted me with their words and the way they do life in the amount of time I spent with them. Jay has incredible wisdom and is able to articulate it well and his words stick, at least in my mind. He said some great things about resting in God and how bringing God glory brings true rest in Him because that spirit of restlessness is done away with in His presence. And he shared this quote:

The life of man upon the earth is a life away from the Presence , wrenched loose from that "blissful center" which is our right and proper dwelling place, our first estate which we kept not , the loss of which is the cause of our unceasing restlessness.
--A.W. Tozer

How true this is. When we are in His presence, we are at rest. And so this applies to me as I learn to rest.

And then tonight as we (Anna, Janet, and I) hung out with Michelle, Michelle said something in a prayer that really snagged my attention. She said, "Thank you that we have never gone hungry. If we've been hungry, it's been by choice." There are so many in this world who cannot say that. And it blows my mind. I knew I always had food but I didn't realize that I had never gone hungry. There's so much power in those words. It just really hit me. And then we just had amazing conversation. It was wonderful. A much needed night in a very emotional day.

I then came back and had a conversation with Janet which was really good. It was cut short by a mix up, but still so good. I'm still learning grace. Praise the Lord.

And no, I cannot do a blog post in 20 minutes.

it's late, i know.

So this post is most definitely late, but oh well. I don't even know where to begin on this one...

So the day after I posted my last blog, I went home for a week! This was honestly such a wonderful time. It was great to reconnect with people and see where they were at. I got to have some great conversations with good friends about how they were doing in the Lord and the things that they were learning about God through their present experiences in life. And I also got to share what I am learning as well as learn from them. As always, I got to see my best friend, Alanna, and this was a much needed time. I just love hanging out with her and bouncing ideas and thoughts and such off of her. We always have wonderful conversations that end with me being challenged and her being challenged. It was great to see her because originally, I thought I wouldn't see her this break. However, she was having a hang out with another of my best friends and I ended up surprising the other friend, Elya, who had no idea that I was home by showing up at the hang out. She almost cried. It was brilliant! As well, I got to hang out with my friend Leslie at her place and one of her roommates, Lonnie, is a friend of mine as well so I got to see them and laugh hysterically with them (more like watch them laugh hysterically, repeatedly), and just catch up on life.

Another cool thing that happened this break was that the friend I mentioned above, Elya, got engaged! It was really sweet to be at home when this happened cause whenever anything in her relationship has happened, I've been at camp. This time though, the big one, I was home!! YAY! So now we're in wedding planning mode and it's really cool to see how a wedding comes together!

I feel like this week wasn't super spiritually charged. I think that's a problem cause I feel like that happens when I go home on break. And so I think I'm a bit concerned that this will happen when I go home for good. I really hope not.

Something I did do, though, is make a decision about next year. I have been waffling for so long, but I think that as long as I get accepted, I'm going to go to UBC next year. I had so hoped that I could go to Briercrest, but I think I realized that I was mainly going for the community (which is not a bad thing), and something that Jim talks about here is each of us finding or creating another Kaleo when we leave. I think that it is important that I create or become a part of a good, Christian community at home and pour myself into that and not just go where I think it'll be easier to create that because I already know people and such. As well, being at a secular university will give me a missions field to work on right from the get go. And I get to stay home and be with friends and see what home holds for next year! I'm really excited about it but also kind of scared that I'm making the wrong choice. I think that I just have to have faith that the Lord will make it clear if it is wrong, but that I need to proceed faithfully. God will work wherever I am!

Huh, I guess there was a bit of spiritualness to my break...

Prayer request time!!

Please pray for the Kaleo leader, Jim, and his family. His father has just passed away so they are dealing with the loss right now and adjustments that need to be made.

Please be in prayer for my trip to Argentina (and the other missions trips too). We leave in about a week and a half for Argentina and India, and two weeks for Vancouver/Ucluelet. I definitely just realized that I leave a week from Monday and now I'm a little anxious that I am not prepared so please pray for that. Pray for unity for the teams and for hearts to be prepared both in the Kaleos and in those that we will encounter

Please pray for us as this year is coming to an end. Pray that we would be able to finish well and be the community that God wants us to be. Pray that we wouldn't squander this time but that we would cherish it and be thankful for it and use it to the fullest.

Thank you so much!

Blessings,
Holly =)

...back to my first love.

It's been a good week. I want to start by saying that. It was kind of a class week in that we had class for only half the week. We did Camp Ministry, which, to be honest, was kind of boring. I say that because though I understand the usefulness of what we learned, I felt like I was just learning something I already knew. So that was Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday.

However, on Thursday, I went to Victoria with some Kaleo girls to see a debate at the University of Victoria on whether we need God for morality. This was between a professor of apologetics/ethics/philosophy at Trinity Western and a professor of philosophy at the University of Victoria. It was a really good debate. Something I did notice, though, is that the UVic professor took the stance that morality exists because we know that there is value in humans and so we shouldn't do anything against other humans. But he refused to acknowledge, or even answer the question of, where we get our value. He claimed that it is intrinsic, yet didn't say why. This was a wonderful reminder that though the world may try to explain away the necessity of God, we not only need Him, but are built to need Him and have some of His core values built into us even when we aren't walking with Him. We are created in His image and have worth because of that, even when we don't acknowledge that this is the reason for the worth of a human life.

A passage that came to mind when going to this debate was:

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate." Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe . . . For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength . . . But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things--and the things that are not--to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God--that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."
1 Corinthians 1:18-21, 25, 27-30

God is so much higher than us and though we may think we are so wise and have the world figured out, He makes our wisest wisdom seem like foolishness. And His foolishness is wiser than our wisest wisdom!

This week was also really good because I got to lead worship for the first time in front of a church on Sunday. I loved it! I love to sing and I'm trying to learn to play guitar and so to bring those two things together for the glory of God brings me so much joy. As well, I did a fundraiser for my trip to Argentina and we raised a good chunk of what I needed. I found out today that all my money has been raised and I am definitely headed to Argentina!!!

Thank you for all those who contributed! God definitely used you in my life!

As well this week was a ministry team overnighter! So the 4 guys on my team (Matt, Mike, Michael, and Steve) and I headed down to Victoria to meet up at our team leader's (Melissa) house and chill for the night. It was a sweet time of bonding and eating and planning for our trip. As we planned, it became more real that we indeed were going to Argentina! I'm so excited.

This trip was also really good for me because it helped alleviate my concerns about being the only girl Kaleo on the team. I really got to bond with the guys and they were really sweet about treating me with preference because I was the only girl. And on Valentine's Day, they each spent $5 and bought me a gift! It was so cute! This is gonna be a great trip. God is gonna do some cool things in us and through us. And He's definitely going to teach me patience.

Something that I thought about this Valentine's Day that I hadn't thought about before was realizing again my first love. I wasn't with a significant other on Valentine's Day and I realized that I didn't need to be (though it would have been nice). But why shouldn't I celebrate the love that I have in God? This is definitely worth celebrating any day of the year. So that's what I tried to remember yesterday =)

God is doing some really cool things right now in my life. In the post before my last one, I talked about surrendering something to God. Well, He is still teaching about trusting Him but He is not just leaving me to it. God has just shown me that this is right for right now and He is bringing good from it. I still cling to those verses I shared with you last time.

I am now off to finish a paper and then on to reading break for the next week or so! I'm very excited to be home for a while!

Please continue to pray that I will trust God with everything, big and small.

i didn't realize.

I asked someone close to me to read over my blog a week or so ago, and I was really challenged by what they said to me. I look over the blog posts from November on, and I realized that I am not posting about how I am feeling on a deeper level. I didn't realize that I wasn't letting people in fully. I think I need to be more open with my posts. I need to give those who read this information on how to pray effectively for me.

I am also at a point in this year where I need an outlet. I need to be able to write and I want to look back and be able to remember why I felt the way I did and what God was doing in my heart to make me feel as I did.

I am discovering (again) the power of prayer. I have started my day off, right after I wake up, by praying and my day goes so much better. One of my roommates has challenged me so much in the area of prayer, and I don't think she knows that she has done it. She comes to me and simply asks if we can pray. When things get crazy here or we start to feel bogged down spiritually, she comes to me and asks if we can pray. We have had some great times sharing our hearts with each other and coming before the Father with our concerns, our frustrations, our hurt, and our joy. But sometimes during prayer times, my spirit rebels. I start to get impatient with long prayers (even though I'm not the shortest winded person myself) and my mind starts to wander. This is an issue. I start to lose focus on God and start to focus on myself. Then, prayer becomes useless.

I am learning to focus in those times. I am learning to identify my wanderings and then try and focus. I fail. A lot. But I am trying, at least most times.

rest.

So I guess I'll start this post off with what I left out in the last one. Starting during chapel at Mount Washington, we began to give each other names. These names were things that we saw in each other already but also things we wanted to see people grow into.

I wasn't named up at Mount Washington, but rather back here at camp. It was really weird because it was the day that I didn't want to be named and in my mind, I was pleading with the Lord to not be named. But then I asked that if I was to be named, that God would prepare my heart for disappointment, because that is what I had come to expect from chapels in where the focus would turn to me for a period of time. But the Lord had different ideas then mine and I was the first one to be mentioned for naming that day.

It was a hard thing to hear. What I heard was simply what I needed to do better, without hearing any acknowledgement of what I had already done. I think this was simply my hurt from before and being deaf to a lot of encouragement. I thought that the way I was named was so different from everyone else, but I was told by friends after that it wasn't different and there was encouragement said. I think that it is an issue that this group has, encouraging each other, and I spoke up in that time. I told them that I wasn't feeling encouraged and that they needed to step up in encouraging each other.

But my name is Rest. Jim suggested this name for me not because I need rest (though I don't have the best sleeping habits) but because I need to find my rest in the Lord. I have started to look to Him for my identity and to rest in the fact that I am the one He loves, but I need to spend time just resting in His presence. It is so true. I need to rest in God. So badly. The Lord has been telling me this for a while. I need to spend more time in the Word. I need to not worry, but to rest in the goodness of God. I need so many things pertaining to this name.

Being named is something that I have looked forward to for so long, and I know my name is good, but I still struggle. I look at that name and I still feel the hurt I felt while being named. In my hurt and pain that day, I've forgotten many of the reasons I was named Rest. And I asked in chapel for the Kaleos to remind me why they named me Rest and Jim told them to come to me to tell me. I didn't have one person come find me to tell why I am named Rest. This is something I expected which is not a good thing. Why should I expect this from this group? I just don't get it. I should expect to be uplifted and for people to see past themselves, but I just don't.

This year has been full of expectations being tossed though. Most everything I thought would go a certain way this year has not. God has taken those expectations and tossed them. But He has replaced them with something different. Not necessarily things that I would want to change them with, but things that are better for me in the long run. Things that are ultimately good.

I am currently sitting on my bed and thinking over the past couple of weeks. I feel like I have packed months worth of changes into two weeks here at Kaleo. That has been most of the year. I can't believe the amount of change that occurs here!

Last week was Intro to Theology and to be honest, it wasn't as great as I was expecting it to be. If anything, I came out of the class with a struggle thinking that I need to have a formed view on certain issues and that one is the right side and one is the wrong side. I was simply left wanting to just love Jesus and not have to think about the rest. I still don't know exactly what I believe about those issues. I don't think I will for a while, if I ever do make a decision. But I know that God is good and that He is sovereign and that what He does is done right and done justly.

Right now, part of me is rejoicing at the way I have been able to have conversations with people here and just be a source of comfort, but part of me is sad and hurting. This week, one of our interns, Tyler, shared his testimony with us and I cried as he told of the Lord's faithfulness in his life. But the thing that got me the most was the way Tyler was willing to give everything over to the Lord, to the point of giving up his desires for this year and following what the Lord had for him. I wanted to do that so so badly, and so that day, Thursday, I told God I wanted to give Him everything. And on Saturday, God gave me the chance to put action behind my words and surrender something to Him that is dear to me.

This is not easy for me. I like to have control. I like to know what's going on all the time, I like to ask questions, and I like to have plans. But the Lord asked me to give it to Him, not knowing what He will do with it. That scares me. I would love to keep it, but the Lord may say that it is not right. I know in my head that if that is what the Lord says then it is what I should do because He knows way better than me, but my desire is to just continue on as is. I know that if the Lord returns what I've given to Him it will be better than before, or He will replace it with something better, but it is just hard. And it hurts. But He is good. And He has affirmed to me in a few ways that this is right for this time. One of my roommates, Jordana, gave me this verse:

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
~1 Peter 5:6-7

And I found this verse when I was looking at the worry part of the Sermon on the Mount:

Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
~Matthew 6:33

And then in church this Sunday, we sang the (OLD) song Trust and Obey and this verse and the chorus really spoke to me:

But we never can prove the delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay;
For the favor He shows, for the joy He bestows,
Are for them who will trust and obey.

Trust and obey,
For there's no other way,
To be happy in Jesus,
But to trust and obey.

So I'm trying to do that. I am trying to trust and obey.

Please pray that I can do this. Please pray for me to know the Lord's goodness and sovereignty in my heart and to be joyful in and intentional with what He has given me here at Kaleo.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Amen and amen.